I can say that God truly needs to be first in my life. I think everyone can say they need to improve in that area. I can also say that I want (and I say this with full confidence and without hesitation) that my marriage comes next. Before the Creator I said that in better AND in worse that I would stand firm to the covenant I made that day. I think I am like most other young husbands, I am trying to learn a little more each day about how to be better. That's why people say marriage is work. It doesn't say marriage is work for the husband or marriage is work for the wife. They are one, which means as they face problems and hard times and things need to be fixed and tuned up. They do it together, one shouldn't sit on the side and wait for the other one to get to an appropriate point, then start helping.

It is a team effort, and I haven't been a good part of my team and honestly if I were someone else I wouldn't want to be on my team either. I would say I am the Allan Iverson of our marriage team. I hold the ball and try to do it all myself, even the ridiculous shots. My teammate is open somewhere but I am unwilling to give up the reigns. I have never really stopped to meet my teammate, and in all reality she is Steve Nash. She is always in the right place, a quiet but powerful force that isn't shown the credit she deserves and doesn't look for recognition. When given opportunity she will shine brighter than I ever could. She will continue to pass me the ball knowing she prob isn't gonna get it back. God is our coach, and like Iverson I don't show up to practice and I think I can do it all on my own. Now I have amazing highlights and people see me as a great player but, the truth is no team will get very far with my selfish gameplay. We have aspirations of winning the championship but until we both learn to work together by being less selfish and being more willing to call for the ball and run things by our Coaches playbook we will continue to have losing seasons that seem to get worse and worse. I now realize that I am not "The Answer" and that when we can work together nobody else stands a chance. The thing now is how to convince my teammate that I have changed after all this time. Obviously it comes from my teammate seeing the change and being willing to help me be the player this team has been needing.

When I was at a marriage seminar I learned about a few different things; The Four Horsemen, Flooding, Anger, Repair Attempts and Forgiveness. Trying to integrate these into my marriage has been no easy task. I realize that I can be critical, not by actually saying something specific but by telling her when she is doing something, how I would do it. That really communicates that her was is not good or insignificant. In reality my wife is one of the smartest people I know. She has good insight into so many things. I can also be critical by not finishing the dinner she makes. Usually it is a very good meal and I really like it and even then I don't eat everything or even clear my space which makes her think that I don't like what she made. I am sure I can eat the last few bites, and I know that would make her feel good. I am trying to try things her way by asking her what she would do? or what she thinks? I think I can be a little cynical sometimes through my body language. She might need help but I am sending the "I am not interested in helping" signal. I can be contemplative, which is prob the worst thing I can do, by not being proactive in showing her how smart I can see that she is and how many great things she does an amazing job at. She is smart and capable (she can even change a flat, how many girls can do that?) I can also be extremely defensive about most things, I don't like to be wrong. I need to be held accountable for the things I have done wrong. I need to accept that and ask for forgiveness. I know that lies no matter how big are small are the thing that can put a canyon in you marriage, and after you are found out the only way to build a bridge back is to admit and realize how that has hurt someone and ask for forgiveness from the person and God. I think I have caused enough pain to where my bridge is going to take some time to rebuild but I am more than ready to make this happen. I do tend to Stonewall, it is usually when I think I already know the answer to something and I avoid breaching the subject or to avoid a fight. On other occasions I do this because I am processing something and I am not ready to talk about it yet.

I am very aware that I struggle with these Four Horsemen, I have been making it a point to keep them close to the front of my mind when having a discussion. Especially if it is a subject that I might usually get agitated about. The last few discussions I have had with my wife I feel like the awareness of these has helped me keep more of an open mind to her perspective and her needs.

I could relate very well to Flooding, its a physical reaction to what is going on around you. I have dealt with this my whole life and never had a name for it. It usually reers its ugly face when I am in a tense or competitive situation. It was seen in our house by the dog chewing something up or destroying something, then I would come home and the flood gates were opened. I would get angry and give the dog a smack and pace around frustrated. When this happened it made my wife uncomfortable, so since that time I have made a very concerted effort to stay calm in those situations, my wife made the wonderful point that it is just "stuff" and we can replace it. I feel like I was also carrying a lot of bitterness, resentment and anger around from a bad former job. It left me in a place where I had lost confidence in my work and my work eithic, to the point where I was battling some depression. At the seminar we went to I took this test to see if you were depressed and I scored on the low part of the "Yes" scale. I have thought a lot about that since then and really prayed that God could continue to help heal that in me.

I wanted to make some repair attemps to deesclate the largeness of where my marriage was. I am not always good at decideding where to start with this. The place I feel most comfortable is with fun and humor. I try to do this by revealing something about myself in the current situation that could be funny. I have been working toward acknowledging that my spouse may have a great point about a way to repair the hurt and maybe I can better understand why she feels that way about it. That would help her feel validated and help me be more encouraging. I have felt recently thought that apologizing and acknowledging doesn't seem to help the issue. Sometimes I feel like she has heard it all before, because I have said I was going to work ont he same problem months ago and it didn't happen. I do feel that I am in a better place now to repair these wounds.

I think my wife gets so overwhelmed with all of this and the route that I had chosen to take was to help her get to a calm and well rested place before we could discuss things logically. So I have been trying to get home early and clean the house and mow the lawn and start dinner so when she gets home she can relax and be in a good place for discussion, then we could talk about our ideas of how we can improve our marriage and come to a compromise. I wish it would work out as well in reality as it does in my head. There is no marriage that is beyond saving or not worth saving. I cannot give up on mine. To me its worth more than all the world and I know that through our marriage I can make my wife and God proud of what we have built together.