So I know I don't blog on anything close to a regular basis but, I am looking to change that. I have recently been in circumstances where I have had to take a real good hard look at myself. And honestly, I don't like what I am seeing.

Let me tell you about the kind of person I am according to the test I recently took.

Your primary social strategy is making things happen and happen now. Usually very active, you thrive on challenge. When the going gets tough, you get going. You respect those who win out against the odds and show persistence. You set high goals for yourself and others. In social situations, you prefer variety, adventure and the unusual. You may lose interest if you feel a situation is becoming routine. As a result, you must be kept busy and involved with making things happen. You love challenges and competition. At the same time, you must realize and appreciate that others may not share your zest for challenges and competition.

When confronted with the results of your decisions, you will defend your position. If the other person doesn't see your point of view, you will object. Your approach toward events or activities may be one prefaced by the word "Charge!" This method may be too strong for some less assertive and less active relationships. You are usually direct, positive, straightforward and "bottom line" when dealing with people. You say what you think, are blunt and perhaps even sarcastic--although not one to hold a grudge. Because of your need for quick results, others may perceive your activity planning as somewhat rushed. They might encourage you to take a more logical approach to activities. You may be a one-way communicator. You will communicate; others will listen. You need to be more open to the ideas and contributions of others. You are active in the things you do and in your communication. Your rapid mental activity becomes apparent when, rather than listening to others, you will be thinking of what you might say next. Not having a climate of challenges and competition may cause you to create such a climate. You perform best under pressure, and may assume that others want the same...your assumption is not always true. Having a variety of results at stake brings out the best in you. Your great strength is in directing yourself and others toward specific activities results.

If you know me you know that this describes me to the letter. My personality can mean fun. But I have also seen that it can mean that I am not willing to be aware of other people. Basically it is saying that I am selfish and I can't argue with that. Recently I am seeing myself in a whole new light. I have hit what I can safely categorize as "Cold Rock Bottom". I have gotten here because I have allowed people and places to push me to a place where I doubt myself, my abilities, and even at times my faith. I have let frustration come in and overtake me and effect many relationships that I hold dear. Through this I have pushed my wife away to a point where she doesn't even know who I am.

I feel like I am trying to keep 10 plates spinning all the time. I have been trying so hard to figure out what to do first and how to do it. I want to rebuild and start over, I come up with what seem like good ideas, but I am not validated in thinking they will work. I know I don't listen well and I need to have a better memory. I am not deliberately trying to forget things my wife tells me. It appears as if I don't care, which is the farthest thing from the truth. Many times when in the past when people were talking I would be so focused on coming up with a response that I would miss what they were saying. Now I keep telling myself to listen and not interrupt, and sometimes when I am telling myself that I still miss what is being said. I am confused and I want help so bad. Sometimes I have a way of twisting a story or adding a little something extra to a conversation, not things I am proud of because it is basically lying. I want to be the good Christian man, like the ones I see around me. I can't find the path to get there. I feel like I have been defensive about so many things, that when I try to be real some people think that I am just interested in looking out for myself. I am trying to put others first and to help them feel more relaxed. No matter what I do, I feel like its wrong. In all honesty I don't think I do much right. I am looking for a hand, a door, an arrow, something to help direct me where to go. I was on my knees praying my heart and soul out. I don't know that I have ever really worked at anything the way I am working at saving my marriage. And because of all these things I don't do well I get down on myself and find it hard most days to muster up the energy to try again. When I do find that energy, usually through positive feedback from work, and try to look at a different spinning plate. I create possible solutions in my head but have trouble finding validation.

I am even willing to seek help about my pent up frustration. I spoke with a pastor friend not too long ago and he compared me to a boiler. If I don't have and steam valves, then the boiler is gonna fill up explode. He encouraged me to find things I enjoy doing and to use those as vents for the energy building up. This seems very viable and true, but in trying to keep these plates spinning, where does that fit? It would appear that I am only being focused on myself, and not trying to fix the hurts I have put on other people, especially my wife. In the Bible it says remove the plank from your own eye, but what if there is 50 planks? Which one goes first? Should I make it so that I can feel less tense so that I can in turn better tackle my shortcomings? Is there more than one right way to handle this? Is there a such thing as unfixable?