I can say that God truly needs to be first in my life. I think everyone can say they need to improve in that area. I can also say that I want (and I say this with full confidence and without hesitation) that my marriage comes next. Before the Creator I said that in better AND in worse that I would stand firm to the covenant I made that day. I think I am like most other young husbands, I am trying to learn a little more each day about how to be better. That's why people say marriage is work. It doesn't say marriage is work for the husband or marriage is work for the wife. They are one, which means as they face problems and hard times and things need to be fixed and tuned up. They do it together, one shouldn't sit on the side and wait for the other one to get to an appropriate point, then start helping.

It is a team effort, and I haven't been a good part of my team and honestly if I were someone else I wouldn't want to be on my team either. I would say I am the Allan Iverson of our marriage team. I hold the ball and try to do it all myself, even the ridiculous shots. My teammate is open somewhere but I am unwilling to give up the reigns. I have never really stopped to meet my teammate, and in all reality she is Steve Nash. She is always in the right place, a quiet but powerful force that isn't shown the credit she deserves and doesn't look for recognition. When given opportunity she will shine brighter than I ever could. She will continue to pass me the ball knowing she prob isn't gonna get it back. God is our coach, and like Iverson I don't show up to practice and I think I can do it all on my own. Now I have amazing highlights and people see me as a great player but, the truth is no team will get very far with my selfish gameplay. We have aspirations of winning the championship but until we both learn to work together by being less selfish and being more willing to call for the ball and run things by our Coaches playbook we will continue to have losing seasons that seem to get worse and worse. I now realize that I am not "The Answer" and that when we can work together nobody else stands a chance. The thing now is how to convince my teammate that I have changed after all this time. Obviously it comes from my teammate seeing the change and being willing to help me be the player this team has been needing.

When I was at a marriage seminar I learned about a few different things; The Four Horsemen, Flooding, Anger, Repair Attempts and Forgiveness. Trying to integrate these into my marriage has been no easy task. I realize that I can be critical, not by actually saying something specific but by telling her when she is doing something, how I would do it. That really communicates that her was is not good or insignificant. In reality my wife is one of the smartest people I know. She has good insight into so many things. I can also be critical by not finishing the dinner she makes. Usually it is a very good meal and I really like it and even then I don't eat everything or even clear my space which makes her think that I don't like what she made. I am sure I can eat the last few bites, and I know that would make her feel good. I am trying to try things her way by asking her what she would do? or what she thinks? I think I can be a little cynical sometimes through my body language. She might need help but I am sending the "I am not interested in helping" signal. I can be contemplative, which is prob the worst thing I can do, by not being proactive in showing her how smart I can see that she is and how many great things she does an amazing job at. She is smart and capable (she can even change a flat, how many girls can do that?) I can also be extremely defensive about most things, I don't like to be wrong. I need to be held accountable for the things I have done wrong. I need to accept that and ask for forgiveness. I know that lies no matter how big are small are the thing that can put a canyon in you marriage, and after you are found out the only way to build a bridge back is to admit and realize how that has hurt someone and ask for forgiveness from the person and God. I think I have caused enough pain to where my bridge is going to take some time to rebuild but I am more than ready to make this happen. I do tend to Stonewall, it is usually when I think I already know the answer to something and I avoid breaching the subject or to avoid a fight. On other occasions I do this because I am processing something and I am not ready to talk about it yet.

I am very aware that I struggle with these Four Horsemen, I have been making it a point to keep them close to the front of my mind when having a discussion. Especially if it is a subject that I might usually get agitated about. The last few discussions I have had with my wife I feel like the awareness of these has helped me keep more of an open mind to her perspective and her needs.

I could relate very well to Flooding, its a physical reaction to what is going on around you. I have dealt with this my whole life and never had a name for it. It usually reers its ugly face when I am in a tense or competitive situation. It was seen in our house by the dog chewing something up or destroying something, then I would come home and the flood gates were opened. I would get angry and give the dog a smack and pace around frustrated. When this happened it made my wife uncomfortable, so since that time I have made a very concerted effort to stay calm in those situations, my wife made the wonderful point that it is just "stuff" and we can replace it. I feel like I was also carrying a lot of bitterness, resentment and anger around from a bad former job. It left me in a place where I had lost confidence in my work and my work eithic, to the point where I was battling some depression. At the seminar we went to I took this test to see if you were depressed and I scored on the low part of the "Yes" scale. I have thought a lot about that since then and really prayed that God could continue to help heal that in me.

I wanted to make some repair attemps to deesclate the largeness of where my marriage was. I am not always good at decideding where to start with this. The place I feel most comfortable is with fun and humor. I try to do this by revealing something about myself in the current situation that could be funny. I have been working toward acknowledging that my spouse may have a great point about a way to repair the hurt and maybe I can better understand why she feels that way about it. That would help her feel validated and help me be more encouraging. I have felt recently thought that apologizing and acknowledging doesn't seem to help the issue. Sometimes I feel like she has heard it all before, because I have said I was going to work ont he same problem months ago and it didn't happen. I do feel that I am in a better place now to repair these wounds.

I think my wife gets so overwhelmed with all of this and the route that I had chosen to take was to help her get to a calm and well rested place before we could discuss things logically. So I have been trying to get home early and clean the house and mow the lawn and start dinner so when she gets home she can relax and be in a good place for discussion, then we could talk about our ideas of how we can improve our marriage and come to a compromise. I wish it would work out as well in reality as it does in my head. There is no marriage that is beyond saving or not worth saving. I cannot give up on mine. To me its worth more than all the world and I know that through our marriage I can make my wife and God proud of what we have built together.

So I know I don't blog on anything close to a regular basis but, I am looking to change that. I have recently been in circumstances where I have had to take a real good hard look at myself. And honestly, I don't like what I am seeing.

Let me tell you about the kind of person I am according to the test I recently took.

Your primary social strategy is making things happen and happen now. Usually very active, you thrive on challenge. When the going gets tough, you get going. You respect those who win out against the odds and show persistence. You set high goals for yourself and others. In social situations, you prefer variety, adventure and the unusual. You may lose interest if you feel a situation is becoming routine. As a result, you must be kept busy and involved with making things happen. You love challenges and competition. At the same time, you must realize and appreciate that others may not share your zest for challenges and competition.

When confronted with the results of your decisions, you will defend your position. If the other person doesn't see your point of view, you will object. Your approach toward events or activities may be one prefaced by the word "Charge!" This method may be too strong for some less assertive and less active relationships. You are usually direct, positive, straightforward and "bottom line" when dealing with people. You say what you think, are blunt and perhaps even sarcastic--although not one to hold a grudge. Because of your need for quick results, others may perceive your activity planning as somewhat rushed. They might encourage you to take a more logical approach to activities. You may be a one-way communicator. You will communicate; others will listen. You need to be more open to the ideas and contributions of others. You are active in the things you do and in your communication. Your rapid mental activity becomes apparent when, rather than listening to others, you will be thinking of what you might say next. Not having a climate of challenges and competition may cause you to create such a climate. You perform best under pressure, and may assume that others want the same...your assumption is not always true. Having a variety of results at stake brings out the best in you. Your great strength is in directing yourself and others toward specific activities results.

If you know me you know that this describes me to the letter. My personality can mean fun. But I have also seen that it can mean that I am not willing to be aware of other people. Basically it is saying that I am selfish and I can't argue with that. Recently I am seeing myself in a whole new light. I have hit what I can safely categorize as "Cold Rock Bottom". I have gotten here because I have allowed people and places to push me to a place where I doubt myself, my abilities, and even at times my faith. I have let frustration come in and overtake me and effect many relationships that I hold dear. Through this I have pushed my wife away to a point where she doesn't even know who I am.

I feel like I am trying to keep 10 plates spinning all the time. I have been trying so hard to figure out what to do first and how to do it. I want to rebuild and start over, I come up with what seem like good ideas, but I am not validated in thinking they will work. I know I don't listen well and I need to have a better memory. I am not deliberately trying to forget things my wife tells me. It appears as if I don't care, which is the farthest thing from the truth. Many times when in the past when people were talking I would be so focused on coming up with a response that I would miss what they were saying. Now I keep telling myself to listen and not interrupt, and sometimes when I am telling myself that I still miss what is being said. I am confused and I want help so bad. Sometimes I have a way of twisting a story or adding a little something extra to a conversation, not things I am proud of because it is basically lying. I want to be the good Christian man, like the ones I see around me. I can't find the path to get there. I feel like I have been defensive about so many things, that when I try to be real some people think that I am just interested in looking out for myself. I am trying to put others first and to help them feel more relaxed. No matter what I do, I feel like its wrong. In all honesty I don't think I do much right. I am looking for a hand, a door, an arrow, something to help direct me where to go. I was on my knees praying my heart and soul out. I don't know that I have ever really worked at anything the way I am working at saving my marriage. And because of all these things I don't do well I get down on myself and find it hard most days to muster up the energy to try again. When I do find that energy, usually through positive feedback from work, and try to look at a different spinning plate. I create possible solutions in my head but have trouble finding validation.

I am even willing to seek help about my pent up frustration. I spoke with a pastor friend not too long ago and he compared me to a boiler. If I don't have and steam valves, then the boiler is gonna fill up explode. He encouraged me to find things I enjoy doing and to use those as vents for the energy building up. This seems very viable and true, but in trying to keep these plates spinning, where does that fit? It would appear that I am only being focused on myself, and not trying to fix the hurts I have put on other people, especially my wife. In the Bible it says remove the plank from your own eye, but what if there is 50 planks? Which one goes first? Should I make it so that I can feel less tense so that I can in turn better tackle my shortcomings? Is there more than one right way to handle this? Is there a such thing as unfixable?